Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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