I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
