I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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