my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
