Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
