How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
