My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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