I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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