I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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