Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
