I just threw up on my dentist
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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