He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's shark week go big or go home
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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