i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
