This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
