You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
