the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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