i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
