Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize