i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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