i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
