One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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