I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
