he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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