If i come over, it means nothing
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
