no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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