Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Randomize
