That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
