if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
