There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
