So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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