I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
