Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
