my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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