I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
