I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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