i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
