Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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