I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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