He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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