either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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