So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
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My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
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I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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