I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
