Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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