god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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