ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
