Im at strip club and am horny
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
