I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
