I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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