My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
