Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
