next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
