It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
