I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
