have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
